Costume Challenge #4-6

In for yet another week of Jennifer wearing strange outfits in public places!

Costume Theme #4: Nerds

Not a lot to say here-- this is pretty much all stuff out of my regular wardrobe, worn a little differently than usual. 

Time: Five minutes, tops

Reaction From Co-Workers: Lots of people actually dressed up for this one-- and in comparison, my outfit looked a lot less like a costume. The consensus seemed to be that I looked "cute but not nearly nerdy enough". 

Reaction From Customers: Bizarrely, this was the first costume that got a reaction. One of our regular customers asked me why I was dressed up.

Would I Actually Wear this for Halloween: Honestly, this costume turned out as kind of a dud. If I really wanted to make this work, adding a bowtie, suspenders, and a pair of glasses would probably do it. But truth be told, I've never seen the point of "nerd" as a Halloween costume. Costumes are about pretending to be something you are not. This costume is taking something about myself that actually exists, and trying to blow it to a ludicrous extreme for comedic effect. Which maybe says more about me than about the idea of "nerd" as a costume, that the real issue is that I'm still learning to laugh at myself. Wow, this got way more philosophical than I think any of us expected this section to get... but the answer is still No. 

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: Let's go with She Blinded Me With Science, by Thomas Dolby

Costume Theme #5: Doctors and Nurses Haha nope

So I had every intention of doing this costume-- it's a pretty easy one, all in all, which worked out because Thursday was a very busy day for my music therapy business and I really didn't want to spend a lot of time on getting out of my costume. I knew my Mom had a set of scrubs, a white lab coat, and a stethoscope in the costume bins, so I didn't even worry about getting anything ready until the last minute.

Except, it turns out that my Dad had borrowed the costume for the previous Pack Meeting and it wasn't in the bin after all.

I really didn't have time to go hunting for it, so I decided to just throw together a costume of my own that was out of theme. Hence, my old aviator costume:

That's my aviator goggles (seen before in Costume #2), a white scarf, and an aviator cap. I got the goggles and cap online for a costume back when I was in college. I put on the leather jacket for this photo and your benefit, but there was no way I was wearing that thing during work-- I'd have melted-- so I just wore the headware and scarf over a t-shirt and khaki pants.

Even so, I had to take the costume off a few times to recover because I was overheating enough to get a bit of a headache. Not fun. This is causing me to rethink some details on other costumes coming up.

Time: Five minutes tops

Reaction from Co-Workers: Generally positive. People are starting to notice the fact that I am dressing up very regularly, to the point where they consult me to ask which themes are coming up instead of the managers. Lots of people showed up in scrubs today-- and one guy from Donations wore skeleton jewelry, a top hat with bones and feathers, and a fancy vest. In other words, he was a witch doctor. I thoroughly approved.

Reaction from Customers: One guy told me that he liked my hat. We are already leaps and bounds ahead of last week.

Would I Actually Wear This For Halloween: Oh, sure, I have before. It's a great last minute costume if you get the stuff in advance. I recommend this one if you're going to be spending the night outside, whether trick-or-treating or at an outdoor party. This is one of the few cases where your Mom making you put on a warm coat before you go outside for the night makes your costume better instead of worse.

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: I drew a blank on this and went to Google, but the best I could find was Scary Flying Shark, by Little Red Car. So... that's a song that exists, it turns out.

Honorable Mention: Witch Doctor, by David Seville

Costume #6: Inside Out

I actually saw this movie for the first time two days before dressing up for it-- I enjoyed it quite a bit more than I expected to. A few of my co-workers were confused when they saw that in the list of themes.

"Isn't that a bit... gruesome?" Someone asked me.

"The kids movie?" I asked.

A few explanations later, I found out he thought the costume was supposed to be having your insides on your outsides (like, covering yourself with organs) so that you were inside out. 

Only four people dressed up for this one, but at least that made for a pretty good group photo. Here we've got Joy, Sadness, Anger, and myself as Disgust.

Turns out I'm not very good at looking nice and grossed out at the same time.

The garbage bins in the back room are legitimately disgusting, though. We're smack dab between a restaurant and some horses so we attract a truly shocking number of flies.

I didn't have time to put together anything close to what the character wears in the movie, but I borrowed a green skirt and wore a green shirt, pink shoes, and a pink bandanna around my neck.

I colored my hair green using pastel chalk and some green glitter. This took an enormous amount of time and work for rather tame results-- my hair is dark enough that it doesn't show the chalk very easily so I had to use a lot. 

I used more of the pastel chalk to do my face, mixed with an alarming amount of green glitter and a little green eye shadow. I did my lips pink, like the character, and I sprinkled glitter on my eyelashes right after adding mascara to copy the huge sparkly eyelashes Disgust has in the movie. I thought it worked out pretty well, but had the odd side effect of making me see dancing lights out of the corner of my eyes all day.

Now, there was another dimension to this costume. You see, my aunt and uncle were having their 50th wedding anniversary up in Logan, and I just had time to clean off the worst of the makeup before hitting the road to make it on time. Which meant I showed up to the family party looking like I'd just escaped from Emerald City.

Eh. Totally worth it.

Some of that glitter got stuck in my pores, though, and I'm pretty sure that in a day or two I'm going to break out into a bad case of glitter pimples.

Time: 1 hour, 15 minutes. I would have saved a lot of time by getting a wig instead of trying to color my hair with chalk.

Reaction from Co-Workers: Pretty good reaction: I got a lot of laughs and comments. A few people who still hadn't gotten the Inside Out Memo had to ask me later what my costume was.

Reaction from Customers: For a while, nothing. I was starting to feel discouraged-- does nothing impress Savers Shoppers? But then one woman, when I asked her if I could help her find something, froze-- then burst out laughing-- then needed a minute to recover before she could even remember what she was looking for. Another man asked me if I was an employee, a customer, or a heart attack. A few kids gave me double takes. And one woman even recognized what I was supposed to be dressed up as (admittedly after talking to the cashier dressed up as Sadness). Finally, I am getting noticed!

Would I Actually Wear This For Halloween: Maybe. If I wanted to do this properly, I'd try to come up with a more figure-flattering and movie accurate dress, not to mention some leggings. A wig would also be a must. I think it would be worth it if I had a group to go out with that were dressing up as the other characters, but I'm not sure I'd do it as a solo act otherwise.

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: It's not really a Halloween song, but I had to go with Bein' Green, by Joe Raposo

That's week two! I thought this would be kind of a boring week, costume wise, but it wasn't too bad. I'm really excited for week three-- there's some really awesome costumes coming up this next week (if they turn out how I want them to, anyway). Though I really hope the weather is a little cooler next Saturday, or else I am going to be miserable. (What's the costume? That's a surprise, you'll find out soon enough, but I'll give you a hint and say that it might be the single most make-up intensive costume of the entire challenge. That's actually a really terrible hint but oh well.) Anyway, happy Pre-Halloween!

Axle Existence Failure

I really do like my bike.

My bicycle was purchased for my mission, and it was sort of unique there. You see, most of the missionaries I knew got big, bulky mountain bikes, as a defense against the many spiky, thorny plants native to Texas. My little road bike, on the other hand, is a graceful elegant thing that did not fit right on bike racks-- leading more than one bemused elder to look at my bike, hung on the back of the car at an angle suggestive of a wounded deer, and ask whether or not it was physically possible to ride the thing.

But let me tell you, I got less flat tires than any missionary I knew that brought a big dirt bike.

And the trend has continued; my bike has managed to get through a mission, college, the Boise Greenbelt, and a new daily commute to and from the thrift store with hardly any problems!

Well, OK, there was that one flat tire. And that other flat tire. And the time I needed to replace the derailleur. And the time an elder hopped on my bike and a pedal came off. And then the time when I had to disassemble the bike to fit it in a box to ship home and the pedal (reattached with a special glue that would hold until I applied "a bit of force" to break the bond) stuck, and the "bit of force" necessary turned out to be roughly 250 lbs of Tongan muscle...

OK, fine, my bike has had problems, like all vehicles.

But the problem on my way home from work the other day was a new one.

I was cutting through the park on the way home, just cruising along, when I went over a curb--and my bike just sort of collapsed.

I wasn't hurt or anything, just a bit confused. I stepped off my bike to see what had happened-- and discovered that the axle for the front wheel had disappeared. Without it, the wheel had popped right out of place.

I spent a minute feeling kind of stunned, looking around to see if the axle had fallen out somewhere nearby. No sign of it. Was it stolen? Did it just fall out? I honestly have no idea-- I don't even know how long I was biking without it.

This left me in a bit of a pickle, but luckily a kind woman driving by saw me and gave me and my wounded bike a ride home. Also lucky, the replacement axle was quite inexpensive.

But, still-- that might be the weirdest bike problem I've ever had.

Costume Challenge #1-3: Boding Well?

Welcome to week one of the Thrift Store Costume Challenge. I've included notes on how I put each costume together and how people reacted, but if you're not in the mood to read all that feel free to just scroll through and look at the pictures.

Costume Theme #1: Tacky Tourist

First costume out of the gate, and it's a pretty easy one. I already had a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of baggy cargo shorts, not to mention sunglasses. I borrowed some leis from my Mom's costume bins, then wore some long socks with crocs (she said as if she didn't perpetrate that crime against fashion on a regular basis). I would've worn socks with sandals, but company policy requires close-toed shoes for safety reasons. I guess losing my toes would make my day a little less pleasant. The pasty ugly tourist knees are 100% natural.

My brother, who has been working at the same thrift store as a summer job until school starts up again, also dressed up, though I think he pulled the look off better than I did. He even adopted a Minnesotan accent for the entire day, which was pretty funny.

We used some white creme makeup (the kind that always hits stores around Halloween) to do the sunscreen on our noses. Which came with an unfortunate surprise for me-- the "creme" was very runny and watery, more so than you'd expect. And it smelled kind of funny. That was when I realized that the bottle I'd managed to dig up was over ten years old. So... ew? And a bit of a problem-- while the runny texture was perfect for imitating sunblock (I had a manager ask me if it really was sunblock), I've got some more makeup intensive costumes later on that need better than this. (Also, who knew what kind of bacteria had grown in there). So, on day one of the challenge, I broke the rules and spent a few bucks on costume makeup. I know, I know, I feel bad, but I kept it under $10 so it's at least close to my original plan. Still, it didn't exactly bode well for the challenge that I found myself breaking the rules on the very first day.

Time: 10 minutes, but only because I was trying something new with my hair

Reaction from co-workers: Other than my brother and I, only two employees dressed up. And, other than the one manager who asked about the sunblock (mainly because the makeup she used on her nose peeled off by 9am), no one said anything about it

Reaction from customers: Nothing. I might as well have been wearing my regular uniform. My brother, on the other hand, got several comments and a few odd looks-- again, he wore the look way better than I did.

Would I actually wear this for Halloween: Nah, it's kind of boring. Even if I'm in a hurry, I can do better than this.

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: Tiki God, by Presidents of the United States of America (contains a little bad language, sorry)

Costume Theme #2: Despicable Me

I wasn't looking forward to this one. I genuinely loved Despicable Me (haven't seen the sequels yet), but minions have been overused to the point of being driven into the ground-- but that was the only costume for the theme I really could do with what I had and so little time to prepare.

That being said, I actually really enjoyed this one. It was a fun costume to wear.

Pretty simple costume--blue jeans, a yellow t-shirt, my old air-walks (the poor woman's converse), and a pair of black gloves. The goggles are aviator goggles that I got on ebay for a costume several years ago. 

Time: 5 minutes, if that

Reaction from co-workers: Well, a few people started laughing and pointing when they saw me, which I'm choosing to take as a good reaction. There were five or six people dressed up-- mostly as minions, but there were a couple of other characters (and stuffed animals) represented.

Reaction from customers: Nothing. Obviously it takes more than a set of goggles to impress customers, because no one acted like I was dressed like anything out of the ordinary.

Would I actually wear this for Halloween: Not for my main costume, probably, but this could be fun if I was going to a party with a group of friends dressed in the same theme. It's definitely a good last minute costume. If I did do this again, I would add a pair of suspenders.

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: Well, Happy by Pharrell Williams is the obvious choice, but it's not really a Halloween song. Hm... supervillains with minions... Gotta be Skullcrusher Mountain, by Jonathan Coultran. 

Costume Theme #3: Biker/Rocker

NOW we're talking.

My airwalks make another appearance, along with jeans and a black t-shirt. The vest came from my Mom's costume bin, I'm pretty sure she made it, though I added some pins as extra decoration. I borrowed a guitar hero controller from the toy section for the photo. Oh, and I'm wearing a bunch of those wrist bands that were really popular when I was in High School. Knew I kept those for a reason. (They'd probably look less rebellious if you looked close enough to see that half of them have some kind of scripture reference on them...) Add a bandanna and you've got an outfit, though the clothes are only half the costume.

I used some teasing and hair spray to try to get my hair bigger for that rockstar look, but it didn't really take. Partly that's probably an issue of skill and not enough hair products, but partly it's just the fact that my hair is so very long and heavy. Still, this is about as floofy as my hair gets.

I put on a base of sparkly white eye-shadow (though that wore off pretty quick over the course of the day), then drew in the shapes with eyeliner. I used black eye-shadow and purple lipstick to fill in the shapes, did purple eye-shadow on my other eye, and then did plenty of eyeliner and mascara. I finished off with some black lipstick-- which, it looks OK, but I kind of wish I'd sprung for some quality black lipstick from Hot Topic or something. The costume black lipstick we sell at the thrift store is kind of weak, and the tube barely has enough lipstick to get me through to Halloween. Oh well, it was cheap, and you get what you pay for. 

Time: An hour and a half, but it would take much less time for someone with shorter hair

Reactions from co-workers: Only one other person dressed up, and nothing so elaborate, so I got a lot of attention and compliments. One guy kept shouting "Freebird!" every-time I walked past the production line. A couple of people said that they didn't recognize me until they saw my name badge. One woman told me that this look on me is pretty sexy (??? um... thanks?). My coworkers questionable taste aside, I think it went over pretty well.

Reaction from Customers: Maaaaybe I got a couple of extra smiles? Maybe? Sheesh, this is a tough crowd. I guess for the average thrift store shopper, you get to the point where you've seen everything and getting directions on where to find men's ties from someone who looks like a cheap KISS knockoff doesn't rate as much as a raised eyebrow. (My dad pointed out that just because people aren't visibly reacting doesn't mean they aren't noticing my costumes. True-- but I'm an attention seeker, I want to notice them noticing!) I am not dissuaded, however; maybe it'll take a few weeks, but I will come up with a costume that can't be so easily ignored. Mua-ha-ha.

Would I actually wear this for Halloween: Heck yeah, I had a blast with this outfit. The only downside was that it got really warm (that vest doesn't breathe well and floofy hair means hair that's always getting in your face), so I'd prefer to wear this when the weather is a little cooler. 

Most Appropriate Halloween Song: Toughie, but I think I'll go with Black Magic Woman, by Carlos Santana

So there's the first week down. 

I have to say I'm a little disappointed-- the managers hyped this up so much in advance that I thought more people would be dressing up, but it's been kind of pitiful so far. My brother has reminded me that I shouldn't complain since less costumes on other employees improves my chances of winning something in the drawing, but I still think this would be more fun if everyone was coming in costume. Oh, well, I'm sure more people will dress up as we get closer to Halloween.

Here's hoping, in the meantime, to some cooler weather this fall so I can survive wearing long sleeves as part of my upcoming costumes. 

45-49 Days of Halloween

Those of you who know me well know that I love Halloween. It is, hands down, my favorite holiday.

I love the ghost stories, the monster movies, the cute and scary decorations, the haunted tours. I love candy and the costumes and the novelty music and seeing Rapunzel, the Grim Reaper, David Bowie, and Cleopatra hanging out in the same place. Halloween has this powerful sense of possibility, of magic, of anything might happen.

Thrift stores, it turns out, also love Halloween, though for a more materialistic reason. You see, for most retail stores, Christmas is the big sale season--with everyone getting each other gifts. But for thrift stores, prime sales time is Halloween. Half our annual sales are for Halloween  costumes. So Halloween starts early and runs hard.

How early?

We put up the Halloween stock on Saturday. In. August.

How hard?

Well, somebody figured out that when the employees dress up in costume, sales go up.

So they are having us wear costumes to work several times a week until Halloween. Starting tomorrow.

You might have thought I'd be ecstatic, but at first I was overwhelmed. I mean, between running a business and getting ready to teach two orchestra classes, I've got a lot on my plate. Getting up early to dress up 49 days over 2.5 months (I'm actually not sure if it's 45 or 49, there's still a little confusion on whether my schedule changes in October) adds a significant burden to that. And I'd have to bike in costume, and work in costume, and then get cleaned up in time for my other jobs.

And, while we can wear any (appropriate) costume we like, they're encouraging us to wear particular themes, different  ones every time.

So I approached the list of themes with some trepidation, and figuring that I'd reuse a few simple costumes and insist on my regular work uniform other days.

But, reading the list... I... Look, I have a problem. I truly cannot resist the chance to dress up in weird costumes. .I blame my mother.

Not to mention, to encourage the costumes, everytime we come to work in costume we are entered into a prize drawing.

And I had to skip Halloween last year entirely because I was busy losing my job and moving across state lines. Which made me really sad. And that cinched it.

So I decided to do all of them. Every last one. All 49. (45?)
And, because I am pretty much broke, I am adding a self imposed challenge-- no spending money. Everything I wear has to be something I own, borrow, or make myself.

This challenge is lessened somewhat by my aforementioned mother, who spent years cultivating  a reputation as "that crazy scouting lady who always comes in costume" so I have some resources. But this is still going to take a lot of creativity, planning, and eyeliner. Lots and lots of eyeliner.

Anyway, I'll be posting photos and cosmetics information here. If you are unpleasantly surprised by this sudden foray into fashion blogging, rest assured it's just until Halloween. Or until I go completely insane, whichever comes first. I'm thinking to post with costumes once a week instead of putting them all up at once or spamming your feeds with 49 separate entries. (45?)

So, yeah. Happy Halloween?

Stranger Things You See in a Thrift Store

Originally I was going to wait a couple of months before doing another Thrift Store post, but it turns out that today is National Thrift Store Day, so this seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate. 

So, once again, let's dive into the strange world of things you can find in a thrift store.

I was trying to come up with a caption guessing what the presidents might be listening to that would result in a Hamilton joke, but then I realized that I already knew exactly what these guys would be rocking out to:

Nothing to see here; just Darth Vader, riding a bike and walking his AT-AT

OK, maybe a little less humorous, but here's a tip for shoppers from the employees: if you decide you don't want to buy the clothes you've been lugging around in your cart, the best place to put it is next to the dressing room, so we can find it and put it away for other people to buy. Hiding your entire shopping cart under the furniture where we find it two weeks later is possibly the worst place you can leave it.

This would be the Hawaiian shirt for the sailor who never managed to pass all his knots in boy scouts.

Up for debate.

For all the scouters reading this

"One of these drawers is not like the others, one of these drawers just doesn't belong"

I thought at first this was some kind of canopic jar, but my brother pointed out to me that this is a drinks mixer. Kind of takes all the fun out of it.

I'm not sure if this is Santa Cow, or if the cow is failing to cosplay Over the Garden Wall

I didn't know we were hosting the annual Elmo Convention this year...

These shoes are actually my size and I am more tempted than my budget should allow

OK, seriously, where do people find these t-shirts???

Good advice.

That's it for tonight. Happy National Thrift Shop Day!

Strange 'Things You See In a Thrift Store

So, working in a thrift store, you see a lot of... bizarre things.

Unlike working other retail jobs, all of your product is other people's leftovers. Sometimes this can mean amazing treasures-- designer labels, practically unused. A scrapbook from 1909. Cute shoes that actually fit ladies' size 10 wide width.

But it also means you get whatever garbage people don't want anymore.

A lot of the strangest stuff never makes it to the sales floor; there's a whole production line that looks over everything and makes sure that things which are obviously broken or unsellable go into the appropriate trash or recycling bins. I mostly work on the sales floor, making sure items are in the right place and that things are organized and neat, but I hear stories-- like the time someone donated an entire rack of clothes. And I mean rack; they just took the bar right out of their closet and put it in the box with all the clothes still hanging from the rack on their hangars.

But even so, there are some truly strange things that make it onto the sales floor, and I can't resist sharing. So sit back and enjoy some photos that truly demonstrate that one man's trash is another man's entertainment.

Just in case you've never seen a naked Anakin doll riding an appaloosa

This t-shirt shows what I can only assume is the mighty cat-taur

Sometimes it's less the item itself, and more the location that the pricers and rollers determine. For example: yes, I do consider a murder mystery dinner party to be an essential accessory for any kitchen

For those formal spiderman themed events

*sigh* Look, customers, maybe you are always right, but that doesn't mean you can just hang up the clothes you decide not to buy on the support bars in between the racks. (I found twelve shirts, eight necklaces, three pairs of pants, and four pairs of women's size eight shoes all hung up in that little cluster, and not nearly enough hangars to support them all either)

Hey There Delilah, it's the invasion of the Plain White T's! (Seriously, someone donated 30 identical plain white xl men's t-shirts at the same time, and I got the job of making them fit on the racks. It was a weird day.)

The shirt that I decided *not* to get my dad for father's day

I could easily do an entire post on the weird Star Wars t-shirts we get

That feeling when you sense soulless eyes glaring at you from the bathroom accessories section, and you look over to see a severed head

For those days when you need to wear close-toed shoes but you really don't want to

You see what I mean about the Star Wars shirts?

This would probably have changed the plot of the movie, just a little bit

Did I say "strange things you see in a thrift store" because obviously I meant THE BEST things you see in a thrift store! (and before you ask, these were two sizes two small for me, otherwise I would have bought them, shoe-string budget be darned, and waited impatiently for the next rainy day)

Dear customers, you might always be right, but that is not how you hangar. The collar goes on the top, not the side, and both of those little holes your arms go through are supposed to be hanging on the plastic. 

Apparently the support column is not worthy to rule Asguard

That's it for now, but I'm sure I'll have some more for you soon enough!

Walking a business, try not to trip

When we last left off in my epic saga of what's happened with my little baby company over the summer, I had two main focuses (focii?): connecting with a daycare facility for adults with severe disabilities, and putting together a social skills group. 

Contacting the facility ended up taking a few weeks of telephone tag before I was finally able to set an appointment to come in person. 

I was very anxious about said appointment-- aside from my typical issues with social anxiety (it's bad, guys, I have to psych myself up to call my insurance company to ask for a policy change. I don't do well with feeling like I'm inconveniencing someone), I'd never done anything like this before. And even ignoring financial reasons for wanting a new contract-- I just wanted to work here. One of my favorite classes to work with during my internship was the teenagers with severe disabilities, comparable to the clientele served at this facility. (In fact, it turned out that I ran into a girl I worked with at Hartvigsen while I was there). I really wanted to work with this group just because I knew it was something I would do well at, something I would love and people I would love, a chance to make a difference and have a ball doing it-- a lot of the things that make me want to be a music therapist. So I prepared the best I knew how: I read up on the research literature, I put together a fact sheet, I tried to come up with the answers I would give to any question I could imagine them asking. I was terrified of screwing things up, but I was encouraged by the interactions I had with the owner and general manager. They seemed friendly and open to hearing me out.

When I arrived, however, neither the owner or the general manager were actually on the site. There were two people in the front office, a man and a woman, neither of which bothered to give me their names. As I stepped in, the man told me that I needed to reschedule because he had forgotten to bring a keyboard. (Since this was a consultation, I hadn't intended to play any music at all, and I typically bring my own instruments, so this threw me for a bit of a loop) The woman took me on a whirlwind tour of the facility. In the first room, as I mentioned, I ran into a student I worked with at Hartvigsen-- I was delighted to see her, though it's hard to say if she recognized me. The woman told her, "Well, that's nice, that she was your music therapist before and she's going to work with you again." And I thought-- 'oh, I like that use of future tense.'

In the second room, however, the woman introduced me to some staff members as, "the music therapist who's going to volunteer some hours for us." And I thought-- 'I don't like that word volunteer nearly as much'.

So we sat back down in the little front office, and, well-- I panicked. Nothing had gone the way it had in my head, and all I could think of was that they needed to understand that I was here as a business owner, not as a volunteer. 

What followed was an uncomfortable conversation, where I tried to share what I could do and what I expected, and where she found ways to cut that down-- her idea was for me to run two fifteen minute groups a month. (Fifteen minutes? What on earth can you get done in only fifteen minutes of therapy? Especially in a group of eight people with slow response times! That's barely time to say 'hello' and 'goodbye'! She claimed the clients couldn't focus for longer than that but I know better, having worked with the same population for 45 minutes at a time during my internship) I... didn't really do very well at convincing her to let me come up with a few different pricing plans for them to look at instead of just going with the least effective possible solution. Whatever I managed to say or not say in my panicked fumbling, less than five minutes later I found myself ushered out the door. I did insist on going back long enough to give her the fact sheets I'd prepared, but that was the only chance I got to really share what I had to say. I was just told that "they'd get back to me" after they looked over their budget.

I've left a few telephone messages, but I haven't heard back since. I probably never will.

There's not really much to say except that I tanked it. I'm still trying to figure out exactly where things went so badly wrong.

It was a few weeks later that I received my next piece of bad news-- my one client, the sweetest old gentleman in the world who'd been sick with a bad cold for the past two weeks, had just been moved to hospice. He passed away the following week.

I can't exactly call it a 'tragedy'; he was 97 and it was his time. With my belief in God's Plan of Salvation, I have no doubts that he's in a good place now, with the loved ones he had lost. But it still hurts to lose someone you care about. 

And, more selfishly, it hurts to lose the only client your business has. But there really wasn't much I could do except get back to work on preparing my social skills group.

I figured the first thing I needed was a solid plan-- a location, dates and times, a basic plan of what the group would cover, age groups and such. So I did my best to put things together. I passed around a survey trying to find out more information about what people in the community might need-- but the survey only got three responses so I more or less put it all together blindly.

Location was rough. I considered just having it here in my parent's house, but there were a few good reasons not to-- the junk in the basement, two yappy dogs, concerns about what the kinds of kids who need a social skills group might do to the property (at Hartvigsen I became well acquainted with the fact that perfectly sweet but impulsive kids can be as destructive as tiny hurricanes), the challenge of maintaining a healthy work-life balance when you are working and living in the same space-- it just seemed like a bad idea.

Finding a location proved to be a challenge, however. Many of the places I tried wouldn't rent to a business unless it was a nonprofit (*technically* it's a nonprofit, since I sure haven't made a dime), or were only renting huge rooms for well out of my tiny budget. One place that seemed perfect wouldn't be available until October (and it had been a "summer" social skills group that I'd been promising, dangit). Finally I ended up settling on a Community Center in Daybreak.

The cost made me feel a little faint when I found out that I needed to pay the entire cost of rent (+ a deposit) in advance. But I could cover it. I've been putting a few dollars away into a savings account for two years now (not easy to do when you're unemployed) and if I emptied that savings account out, I'd have just enough to cover the cost of renting the room.

That was a risk. A scary risk. But if I could just find three clients (which seemed so very doable, especially with how many people had claimed they'd be interested when I talked about it at the Summerfest), I could almost break even. If I managed to fill out every slot, I could actually make a pretty significant profit. It seemed like a reasonable gamble to make, so with only a small impusle to hyperventilate I paid the fee.

Then, with everything ready, I opened up registration a month in advance. I put up ads on facebook and posted to parent support groups, I sent out newsletters, I put up fliers all over my community. And then I waited.

In the first week, one parent signed up her child.

And then nothing.

My posts and ads on facebook were picking up tons of likes and shares-- but no one was doing anything about them.

As the days hurried onward, and it became increasingly obvious that I had invested in a sinking ship, I did my best to keep things moving. My parents and others told me that it's normal for people to sign up last minute for things like this, that getting close to the deadline would help give a sense of urgency. So I paid for a new round of ads that emphasized the urgency-- one week left to register! As many capital letters as my over-considerate nature would allow. 

And... nothing. Well, not entirely nothing, there was a message from that solitary parent who signed up, expressing concerns about whether or not the group was actually going to happen. And a couple of college students who wanted someone to job shadow (and obviously picked the wrong therapist to ask). But no one registered. It reached the point where every time I checked my phone I felt like throwing up. 

I tried to stay positive, but it reached a point where I couldn't pretend otherwise anymore-- I was going to lose everything. All my savings, all the money I'd put into advertising and getting supplies and printing fliers-- just wasted. Because I made a stupid mistake of thinking "interest" was equal to "commitment", and putting everything on the line for people who didn't even open the newsletters they signed up for. 

In the last week, as I tried so desperately to salvage the mess I'd made, I asked for feedback on a Facebook group for music therapy business owners. The answers made it very clear where I'd gone wrong. I paid money for a program that no one had committed to yet. I didn't have the resources other therapists had when they pulled off something like this. One post got to me in a way that was hard to explain. After listing off amazing resources I don't know if I'll ever be able to access here, and strategies that never would have occurred to me in time to use them, as if they were the simplest things in the world-- she then followed up with, "But, you know, Failures for the Win! 😀 (But it's hard, some days I just want to hide in bed.)"

It was too much. That glimpse into what I'd been trying for, in the hands of someone who could actually pull it off-- and my "for the win failure" was my financial ruin. I didn't know if it would be possible to ever recover my business from this loss. I still don't know that-- in fact, if nothing changes then I will have to close my business by December, because I can't afford to renew all the things that need renewing when the year ends.

After reading that post, I collapsed on the couch and I didn't just cry--I howled. I cried harder than I've let myself cry in years, cried like every stress and hurt and heartache in a year of bitter disappointment and terrible doubt and fear was hitting me all at once, the dam of foolish optimism broken, the flood knocking me down and crystalizing into one terrible truth-- I was a failure. Not good enough to get a job as a music therapist. Not good enough to know how to run a business. Not good enough to do anything more worthwhile than hanging shirts at a thrift store for minimum wage while I dreamed stupid dreams of being something eternally out of reach, of changing a world that was better off without me screwing things up.

I don't know how long I sat there and cried. It feels like hours, but it was probably more like twenty minutes.

On this blog, I talk a lot about that elusive concept of "adulting", of that mysterious transition from dependent to independent, from child to grown up. It's hard not to feel like I've completely failed at that-- I've never worked a full time job, I'm single and living in my parent's basement and I'm generally a walking disaster.

But I'm starting to think that truly being an adult has less to do with where you live and where you work, with whether you can bake a pie or fix a car engine, and more to do with what you decide when there is no one who can make things OK, who can pick you up and tell you it's going to be fine and they'll take care of everything. In the end, other people can support you, but you have to be the one who stands back up and makes things right.

And if I have one virtue in all this world, it's that I don't give up.

So I got back up, and I started putting the pieces back together.

I'm flat broke-- but it could be worse. Yes, I used up all my savings, but at least it was all my own money. I didn't go into debt. This mistake won't make me lose anything else.

I am a good music therapist. It's hard to feel that way now, but I've seen lives change. I've seen the data. There are things I am better at and things I am worse at, but I am capable of doing something amazing if I can just find the chance.

I haven't been finding the chance. So I need to learn how to make the chance instead.

Right now my focus is on saving up whatever money I can. I'm going to get some job coaching, to try to learn how to market myself better, especially to facilities. It's not going to be easy, but I'm not going down without a fight. Not now. Not ever.

Two good things came out of this mess, at least. The first-- that parent who did sign up? After we talked about it, I offered to let her pay the same rate as she would have for the group to do individual music therapy with her son for those ten weeks. She agreed. So I do have one client, a little boy who needs help with attention span and social skills. Those are things I've treated with music therapy before. That is someone that I can help, who I mightn't have had the chance to work with otherwise. Helping this little boy is well worth making some mistakes for. 

The other good thing is a little more indirect. While putting up fliers for the ill-fated social skills group, I found another flier. Riverton Music is recruiting music teachers for after school programs at Granite School District elementary schools.

The job interview was probably the easiest one in my life. 

So, starting in October, I'll be working a second part time job teaching elementary school Orchestra. Only four hours a week, but it'll make a huge improvement to my financial situation, and I think it will be a lot of fun. I have fond memories of being in elementary orchestra myself, squeaking out nails-on-a-chalkboard impressions of "Hot Cross Buns" and learning to love Mozart and hate the key of Ab.

I'm still a long way from where I want to be, and I still have plenty of wrestling to do with my own issues. Running a business is so much harder than I ever would have imagined-- and I went in imagining it would be pretty hard. I seem to be learning almost everything the hard way, and that's kind of a painful way to learn. It's hard not to compare myself to other music therapists, the ones I went to school with who all seem to be having amazing successful careers-- but probably they're having their own problems that just don't show up on Facebook.

Probably.

But, anyway, challenge aside-- I'm not finished yet. 

I don't know, maybe my optimism is naive-- there are certainly times I think so-- but there are also times I can believe that as I dig around in the dirt trying to get this thing off the ground, I'm on my way to building something beautiful. Maybe. We'll see.